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My eating disorder journey | #EDAW Mental Health logs

7th March 2020 3 Comments

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Where it all began.

My eating disorder story. It all began when I was a youngster. I developed a huge fear of food after choking and having a traumatic experience when I was a toddler.

 I was choking on my dinner one evening and couldn’t breathe. My brother had to put his hand down my throat and unblocked it. It was terrifying and from then I was pretty much only satisfied with eating mashed potato or soup.

I was terrified of getting anything stuck in my throat. I even developed a fear of clothes that go over the head and sit fairly tight around the neck or chest. This worked alongside my not yet diagnosed autism which caused me sensory issues hugely. I was struggling with intense flavours of food as it was without the need of developing a fear of choking. It took a long time to learn to eat regular food again. 

Growing up and recovering

As I got older I began to eat more and more and really recovered from my fear other than the panic attacks I have when I see a child eating and imagining them choking.

 It’s a real horrid fear as I can be just sitting with my nieces and nephews and will just look at them eating and go into a panic. I once sat, watched my niece put something into her mouth, she coughed and I began hyperventilating and had a huge panic attack which left me breathless and crying. Its almost like PTSD from my own past experience.

Skip to 2014! My niece was born and I had to help look after her. I was 17, 9 stone, going through college and had so much pressure on me. Because of my other issues in love and having huge responsibilities, I forgot to eat and then when I would it would be soup or just small portions. I didn’t even think about it at the time.

Two months passed and I glanced at myself in the mirror before I was about to go out and perform at a gig. I really liked how I looked in the mirror and realised in that moment I felt comfortable.

I went back to college after the summer holidays and my tutors and friends were gobsmacked to the point of asking me if I was ok. I was so confused as to why they were acting so weird. I then realised from pictures that I’d lost almost 2 stone in weight in the matter of months. I was just over 7 stone. By now I’m really enjoying what I look like. I was the ugly nerd in school who was jusy bullied for being ugly. Now I felt a little better. Not great but better.

Relapse and almost being hospital hospitalised

After this I became obsessed with my weight. I wanted to lose more. I wanted to be pretty and for people to look at me and not want to bully me or judge me.

So I lost weight and then I met my first boyfriend who ended up making me feel worse about myself. He tore down my walls and made me feel like there was always going to be someone prettier and thinner than me. Self doubt flooded my mind, body and soul. He wasn’t a bad person, we were just bad together. It was a toxic combination.

After two years he left me abruptly and in a rather horrible way leaving me mentally ill, confused and just out of touch with reality. I couldn’t eat for weeks after and ended up in A&E because of the intense weight loss and self harm. I’d dropped to 6 stone in a very short amount of time. I had to be taken to Accident & Emergency and ended up having to see the mental health team. It was a horrible point in my life and I felt it would never go away. I was told that If I didn’t start eating little bits and if I made my legs bleed from self harming again I would be taken into a clinic as an impatient. It really hit me and made me realise I needed to get myself on track again. It was not easy at all and there were so many set backs.

My recovery

I eventually started eating bit by bit and worked on a healthy diet where I could develop a routine and not feel too bad about what I ate. I’d managed to get myself back into work and convinced myself because of walking to and from work and being on my feet all day that I deserved to eat and could keep the weight off due to my physical activity. It wasn’t the best mindset but it got me eating again and let’s face it, you have to start somewhere right? It was better than not eating at all!

After a few months I began moving onto a healthier diet and became happier when I met my partner in crime. He helped me rebuild myself and my damaged walls. I began a journey of ups and downs. I started putting on weight more and more but hit a point where I hated myself again. I hated the weight I’d put on but I knew it was part of my recovery. I was borderline anorexic back then and Could not afford to relapse. I ended up going up and down until over the period of a few months my hips got bigger and I was gaining weight quickly.

I felt like I had to earn my food. Like I didn’t deserve it and it was such a dangerous mindset. I was told by my eating disorder consultant that I wasn’t underweight enough to get help and this made me want to starve myself and lose weight just so that I’d get the help I needed. What a vicious cycle?

Further recovery and body positivity

After becoming bigger I started a journey of self love and Body positivity. It was hard and I didn’t feel confident but I also felt happy that I’d saved myself and was on the road to recovery. I fell in love with food and cooking again and began finding my love of baking goodies and trying new recipes. Finding a hobby within food really helped me during my recovery and still does. It made me care about nutrition and what I’m putting into my body but also made me realise that we all need and deserve balance as well as enjoyment and fulfilment.

I’m now double my previous weight when I was at rock bottom. I have bad days but I’m learning that my body is so strong and keeps me going. I now focus on the positives my body has rather than constantly being in battle with it. I’m also now a freelance body confidence model and enthusiast!

 I’ll always have an eating disorder within my mental health but my body may not always seem so. As I’m sure many will understand that people will overlook my weight and roll their eyes at the thought of an eating disorder.

Remember eating disorders are a mental illness. They can seem dormant to the eye but within the four walls of your mind they can linger. 

Society is becoming so much more body positive and it’s exhilarating! Let’s work together to change the face of body image and focus on those who embrace it rather than slam it down! 

I can do it, and so can anyone else. I believe in us. We may fall but we keep on getting back up and that’s what matters!

Thank you for reading.
If you have experienced eating disorders and want to share your experience, I would love to hear from you.
Stay wonderful!
Louna x

advicebeauty bloggerBirminghamBloggerbody confidencebody dysmorphiaBody imagebody positivityEating Disorder Awareness Weekhelpinspiringmental healthMental IllnessmodelmotivationMy eating disorder journeyrecoveryrelapseSelf careself lovetips
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3 Comments

  1. burstsofautumn
    •
    12 months ago

    I welcome any comments!

    Reply
  2. Carlota Neville
    •
    11 months ago

    Your article about My eating disorder journey is the best I have read!

    I found a way to make money from home that will interest you, I leave the link here:
    https://bit.ly/Teaching-Online
    The burstsofautumn.com site is interesting and useful, keep it that way!
    Kisses everyone! 🙂

    Reply
    1. burstsofautumn
      •
      11 months ago

      Thank you for your comment!:) Means a lot!

      Stay wonderful!

      Louna x

      Reply

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burstsofautumn

burstsofautumn
⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ So, its #eatingdiso ⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️

So, its #eatingdisorderawarenessweek and I wanted to share this picture. It's me, side by side either end of Eating Disorder. 

The first image is from around 5/6 years ago. I was borerline anorexic and yet the worrying part is that I thought I was fat. I thought I needed to lose weight to be seen as 'beautiful', 'pretty' and accepted. I was always the 'cute geeky' one yet I wanted to feel beautiful and worthy. My walls were destroyed by people. I was victim to self loathing caused by years of bullying. The one control I had was food. I deprived myself of what my body needed to satisfy my mind that was warped by societal pressure. Google became my companion. I learnt how to lose weight but not healthily. It was a vicious and destructive cycle. 

I then found someone who loved me and started helping me rebuild my walls mentally and physically. I met people who loved me for me. I slowly started putting on weight. It was a slow process of acceptance, downfalls, hatred, anger, crying and then laughing. I learnt to love my body. I learnt to laugh at my body too. Here I am now, the heaviest I've ever been. I still struggle with my weight. I have days where the mirror says some pretty horrible things. I have days where I fall out with my reflection, but I know is, I'm alive. I'm healthy and I live to see another day. 

I am here to show you that you're beautiful and it's ok to take recovery one step at a time. It's hard. It's a bitch but it's possible for anyone. Be gentle with yourself. We live in a really difficult, pressurising society. The feelings of self doubt and unworthiness are strong, but guess what? You are fucking stronger! 💪🖤
⚠️Trigger Warning ⚠️ It's #NationalSelfIn ⚠️Trigger Warning ⚠️

It's #NationalSelfInjuryDay and after sharing my story earlier, here are some tips from me (an expert by experience) for those struggling with self injury/self harm. 

So on the imaging here are the tips:

* Find a productive outlet like exercise, drawing, writing, gaming, illustrating, reading, talking etc.

* Move your body. Wriggle your toes, shake your legs, stretch your fingers and make movement with your limbs. Shake out excess energy

* Scream, shout or sing loudly and expressively

* Write down how you feel or speak out loud how you're feeling. Do not bottle it up

Instead of self harm:

* Pluck your leg or arm hairs. This may seem bizarre but if you're active with self harm, start small. (I am not encouraging self harm)

* Use a rubber band on your wrist to lightly flick it during anxiety inducing times

* Meditate if you can find a calming state

* Stretch your body and really feel the stretch

* Brush your hair and try different styles or paint your nails. Keep your hands and arms busy

Please take care and talk to someone if you're struggling. You got this. Take each day at a time. You're strong. You are not weak.

_______________________________________

#writerscommunity #discoverunder2k #discoverunder5k #MentalHealth #MentalIllness #Wellbeing #SelfHelp #SelfCare #SelfHarm #SelfInjury #Mentor #MentalWellbeing #Strength #Coaching
*TRIGGER WARNING* So today is #NationalSelfInjury *TRIGGER WARNING*

So today is #NationalSelfInjuryDay and I wanted to share with you some raw and real content. 

I have self harmed. I'm not ashamed. I'm not bothered what preconceived perceptions people have of me when they hear those words. Acceptance is very important with mental ill health and Self harm. 

I was going through my hardest times in school, being bullied, having the pressure of achieving because of being an A* student. I was showing signs of mental illness and was later sent to a psychologist and psychiatrist when I had a breakdown at school and my mum found me self harming with various items in my home. Once I was diagnosed with my MI, I had to go back to school which made my health decline hugely. My best friend then died and things just took a turn. I left school. I had to be homeschooled. 

Throughout my life I have self harmed. I ripped my hair out when I was 6 and developed Trichotillomania. I used to pull at my teeth, bite my arms and hit things to make my knuckles hurt. I then got older and started to use objects on my arms, stomach and back. It was hard and no one understood. It was something I felt that I was shameful doing. I felt like a failure yet I didn't realise It was a cry out. I needed help and needed that outlet. 

I found my hope and outlet. I sang loudly, danced, drew, read books, wrote stories, blogged, walked and found ways to release these negative emotions I let out by harming my skin and body. 

Small steps leads to big victories. Remember that. 

Take care. You are amazing. My next post will be tips on how to overcome self harm in small ways.

My full post is here on my site www.burstsofautumn.com

________________________________________

#writerscommunity #discoverunder2k #discoverunder5k #chattycaptioncommunity #SelfCare #Wellbeing #MentalHealth #Mentalillness #SelfInjuryAwarenessDay #SelfHarm #BodyPositivity
A little reminder in case you ever forget 💗🥰 A little reminder in case you ever forget 💗🥰

________________________________________

#writersofinstagram #writerscommunity #selfgrowth #creativelife #discoverunder2k #discoverunder5k #shinyhappybloggers #babessupportbabes #chattycaptioncommunity #homesweethome #positivity #positivevibes #positiveenergy #positivequotes #Cosy #LifestyleBlogger #SelfCare #Wellbeing #MentalHealth #Happiness #mentor #Beauty #bodypositive
Today has been full of reading about my favoured w Today has been full of reading about my favoured way of life 'Hygge', lying in the bath, having fresh air in the garden enjoying the sunshine and crying. Yep that's what I said. Crying. 

It's been a hard day! And that's ok. I hugged my partner, cried and cried again. Now I'm eating good food, watching films, cosying up with candles, blankets, drink and my fave people. Many Hyggestund's - Moments of Hygge! 

______________________________________________

#writersofinstagram #writerscommunity #selfgrowth #creativelife #discoverunder2k #discoverunder5k #shinyhappybloggers #babessupportbabes #chattycaptioncommunity #homesweethome #positivity #positivevibes #positiveenergy #positivequotes #coffeelovers #Cosy #LifestyleBlogger #SelfCare #Wellbeing #MentalHealth #Happiness #Mentor
________________________________________
So, some small reasons to be happy 🥰 Things ar So, some small reasons to be happy 🥰

Things are hard. Like really hard so here are some of thr simple things in life that can make us happy:

* Cup of tea, coffee or hot water
* Fresh, cold water
* New drinking bottle
* Knowing the sun will shine even after days of storms and grey clouds
* Fresh air
* Seasons changing
* Plants
* New Slippers

________________________________________

#writersofinstagram #writerscommunity #selfgrowth #creativelife #discoverunder2k #discoverunder5k #shinyhappybloggers #babessupportbabes #chattycaptioncommunity #homesweethome #positivity #positivevibes #positiveenergy #positivequotes #coffeelovers #Cosy #LifestyleBlogger #SelfCare #Wellbeing #MentalHealth #Happiness #Mentor
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Here you can feel comfortable, welcomed and safe. Feel free to comment, like and share or just simply pass by and check out the posts that suit your taste.

Thank you for your support. Have a great day

Stay wonderful!

Louna x

My latest on Youtube

BurstsOfAutumn

Happiness, Lifestyle and all things wonderful.
I always say that the most important thing in life is happiness, therefore that is what I'd like to share.
I'm an honest, kind and happy person who loves sharing my experiences and real stories to help others like me realise they are not alone in this huge world.
I'm a huge supporter of mental health and body positivity and believe we can change the way society is about these topics together.
Just a small girl in a big world trying to be happy!

BurstsOfAutumn
Thank you for watching my little Beauty edit video. I decided to try these fantastic Bleach London hair care products to show you all and I must say I am in love! 

* BLEACH London 'Reincarnation' Hair Mask
* BLEACH London Hair Elixir

You can also find me here:
https://www.burstsofautumn.com
https://www.twitter.com/burstsofautumn
https://www.instagram.com/burstsofautumn
https://www.pinterest.com/burstsofautumn
Bleach London Hair care review | Beauty
YouTube Video UCmCgyi4GsTMrcxo3JVzKJhg_qk91qHGedyg
Here is my review of the absolutely beautiful book that is Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine by the incredible Gail Honeyman. What a divine read! You can find my blog post review over on www.burstsofautumn.com 

You can also find me here:
* https://www.instagram.com/burstsofautumn
* https://www.twitter.com/burstsofautumn
* https://www.pinterest.com/burstsofautumn
Eleanor Oliphant Is completely fine - Gail Honeyman | Book review
YouTube Video UCmCgyi4GsTMrcxo3JVzKJhg_Qtf4s0-f75s
Thank you for watching my book review of this fantastic novel by the legendary Stephen King and equally as fantastic Owen King. 
I have also written a blog post review over on https://www.burstsofautumn.com too in case you would prefer to read it!

You can also find me here:
https://www.instagram.com/burstsofautumn
https://www.twitter.com/burstsofautumn
https://www.pinterest.com/burstsofautumn
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/70446256-louna-walker
NetGalley: https://www.netgalley.co.uk/member/profile
Stephen King and Owen King's Sleeping Beauties | Book Review
YouTube Video UCmCgyi4GsTMrcxo3JVzKJhg_Q86sQYWAeu4
Thank you for watching. This Is my first ever book video and yes I ramble on, but it's so worth it! I have some amazing books to share with you for this years Goodreads TBR goal. 

What I've read and am reading currently:
* Sleeping Beauties - Stephen King and Owen King 
* Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine - Gail Honeyman
* An Edited Life - Anna Newton
* The Woods - Vanessa Savage

Here are the books I'm aiming to read this year:
* Feed your face - Dr Jessica WU
* The weight of small things - Julie Lancaster
* The Hunted - Gabriel Bergmoser
* The little book of hygge - Meik Wiking
* The silence of the lambs - Thomas Harris
* Imperfect Women - Araminta Hall
* Skulduggery Pleasant 'Playing with fire' - Derek Landy
* The little book of sloth philosophy - Jennifer McCartney
* Reprobation - Catherine Fearns
* The Tower - Anne-Marie Ormsby
* Tales from the lazy luncheonette casebook - David W.Robinson
* A place called perfect - Helena Duggan
* Ninja School Mum - Lizzie Chantree 
* The reason I jump - Naoki Higashida
* Reasons to be alive - Matt Haig
* Chasing the case -  Joan Livingston

I'd love to know what you think. I also have reviews and posts about my Goodreads goal over on my blog at www.burstsofautumn.com

You can also fine me here:
* www.instagram.com/burstsofautumn
* www.twitter.com/burstsofautumn
* www.pinterest.com/burstsofautumn

Isobel Celine's Youtube Channel:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChc7BnM-97wf6UKkeckiQlg

Some wonderful Booktubers to check out:
* Lucy Turns Pages - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_xFwQxvp4p8sTxxpnB19Tw
* ReadByBeth - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClOsvOFuLg2RMybrwVs45Sg
* Little Bookshop On The Corner - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCsPOgEYd-JkDaCmKpUQPaxA
* Courtney’s ANerdyBookBirdy - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC587P4QMJOpGnZbmjbEoS6A
* The Danish Readerholic - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3DnMZ3zGzp3XbAEGLGoQew
* Jolien Reads -  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXP8cm8jETiLaesiVgaZhYA
* Butterflies On My Bookshelf - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRIcfopgZyIIEEmRz84PNsA
* Lin Reads Books - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWgx8k0x5oMxljWsAXY8Gcg
* AllieAndBooks - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCq0ac8vvF0_sLZl1iwd-7Fg
* BooksWith Nessuh - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMZLr6Tz7BbzLjOG2et3r_g
What I'm reading and TBR for my goodreads 2021 goal!
YouTube Video UCmCgyi4GsTMrcxo3JVzKJhg_BC7EIeyWDaM
Thanks for watching my simple vegan Guacamole and Hot Lemon and Lime water! - Simple, delicious and vegan. 

I'd love to know what you think and if you have found this useful . 

Thank you! You can find me here:
* https://www.burstsofautumn.com
* https://www.twitter.com/burstsofautumn
* https://www.instagram.com/burstsofautumn
* https://www.pinterest.com/burstsofautumn
Louna's Simple Vegan Guac & Hot Lemon & Lime water | Foodie video
YouTube Video UCmCgyi4GsTMrcxo3JVzKJhg_yP_K_L8yxJc
Here is a little video to show you how I make delicious vegan pancakes!
The original base recipe I from BBC but I adapted and added my own little tweaks. The savoury pancakes have grated cheese within the batter and chunks of cheese in during the cooking of the pancake.

I hope you enjoy. You can also find me here:
https://www.burstsofautumn.com
https://www.twitter.com/burstsofautumn
https://www.instagram.com/burstsofautumn
https://www.pinterest.com/burstsofautumn

You can also find my blog post all about pancakes! https://burstsofautumn.com/the-pancake-edit-lounas-goodies/
Louna's Vegan pancakes | Based off BBC recipe
YouTube Video UCmCgyi4GsTMrcxo3JVzKJhg_CVnP8zlau0M
So here is my ‘had a bad day’ evening self care routine. All about how I wind down and promote positive mental wellbeing after a tough day.

Products included:
* Sleepy bath bar - LUSH AD Gifted PR Sample
* Snow fairy bath bar - LUSH AD Gifted PR Sample
* EcoWix candle - George At Asda
* Pink exfoliating bath gloves - Asda
* ‘Wonderful’ notebook - Zoella Lifestyle range
* Sleeping beauties book - Stephen King
* Sleepy body lotion - LUSH AD Gifted PR Sample
* Exfoliating facial brush - Soap & Glory
* Rose Quartz facial roller - Superdrug Naturally Radiant
* Hyaluronic Acid overnight hydrating face mask - Revolution Skincare 
* Sleepy naked facial cleanser - LUSH AD Gifted PR Sample
* Face Halo makeup remover cloth 
* Glycolic Tonic toner - Superdrug Naturally Radiant
* Reusable cotton face pad
* Face mask applicator - Boots
* Amazon Echo Alexa
* HaptimeTech Alarm clock & wireless phone charger - AD Gifted PR Sample
* Sparkling peach flavour water - Asda
* Pugs and kisses candle - Yankee

You can also find me here:
www.burstsofautumn.com
www.instagram.com/burstsofautumn
www.twitter.com/burstsofautumn
www.pinterest.com/burstsofautumn

Thank you for watching!
My 'had a bad day' evening self care routine
YouTube Video UCmCgyi4GsTMrcxo3JVzKJhg_JNnzS55-yKo
A simple little show and review of the Revolution Skincare pink clay detoxifying face mask. A blog post will be live on my site soon so keep your eyes peeled. 

Thanks for watching. I'd love to know what you think. If you like what you see how about clicking the bell icon for updates on my uploads and leaving a like, comment and subscribing if I'm you're cup of tea? Coffee? You know! 

Stay wonderful!

You can also find me here:
www.burstsofautumn.com
www.instagram.com/burstsofautumn
www.twitter.com/burstsofautumn
www.pinterest.com/burstsofautumn
Revolution Skincare pink clay detoxifying face Mask | Beauty Review
YouTube Video UCmCgyi4GsTMrcxo3JVzKJhg_u8_4-myYw2Q
So here is my January so far vlog! 

- New Years Eve
- Snowy walks in the park and forest
- Making dindins and suffering from the onions
- Cosy evenings
- Shopping
- Kitty kisses & cuddles
- Organising my shelf and wardrobe
- Veganuary chat

Things included in this vlog:
- Nasty Gal cosy cardi
- George At Asda PJ set
- Vivera steaks
- Linda McCartney pulled pork burgers
- Carly Rowena & The Brew Norfolk collaboration
- Paperchase order
- Masking lavender and chamomile sheet mask review
- Treacle Moon bath and shower products
- The body shop British rose shower gel
- Strawberry Diet Coke

You can find me here:
https://www.burstsofautumn.com
https://www.instagram.com/burstsofautumn
https://www.twitter.com/burstsofautumn
https://www.pinterest.com/burstsofautumn

Thank you so much for watching! Stay wonderful x
January so far Vlog | BurstsOfAutumn
YouTube Video UCmCgyi4GsTMrcxo3JVzKJhg_qWqPDbnazwM
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